Friday, 20 November 2009

Why you'll never hear me mention my mother...

Earlier this week, I read a very brave, incredibly honest post over at New Mummy - all about how her greatest fear is turning into her mother, and  the reasons why.  You may or may not have noticed, I never mention my mother, and inspired by New Mummy, I'm going to tell you why...

On Thursday 25th August 2005, I got a phone call at work from my mother. Which was weird in itself, as she had never phoned me at work before.  She said she needed to see me, she had something important to tell me that she couldn't say over the phone.  I arranged to meet her for a drink when I finished work, and on my way to the bar, I prepared myself for the worst - either my Nana had died, or she'd left my Dad.  It was the latter.  She'd walked out on him on the Monday, and got round to telling me on the Thursday. (My parents house was about 10 minutes away from my flat at the time.)

It hit me hard. My parents had always had a volatile relationship, but I figured after nearly 26 years together, they'd decided they loved eachother enough to see it out till death did they part. Wrong.

She'd been having an affair, for 3 months she said, the truth later came out to be nearer 18.  The bloke was a tosser.  My Dad's far from perfect, but this idiot had 4 kids by 3 women, 2 of whom he'd been married to, he'd been inside, and declared bankruptcy twice.  Quite a catch eh?  Apparently, he made her 'happier than she'd ever been'.  So, she had left her beautiful 5 bedroom home & husband of over 2 decades, to go shack up with a loser in a scummy one bedroom flat. Fair enough.  I tried to be a grown-up about it.  I told her there was no way I was going to be even civil to her new beau, but as long as she made sure I never had to be in the same room as him, I'd do my best to maintain a relationship with her.

After dropping her bombshell, she didn't get in touch with me for nearly 4 months. I called, left messages, texted, nothing.  Not even on my birthday.  I was spending all my time trying to get my dad back on his feet - he took it all very badly - It transpired she'd been stealing money from their joint & business accounts for over a year.  She had been planning the whole thing.  He was broken.  I didn't know what to do.  Dad made me promise not to mention it to her, or my sister.

Christmas day, I got a text. "Merry Xmas, Love Mum xxx". Classy.

I soon realised I was no longer a priority, and to be honest, though it started off hurting like nothing I'd ever known before, I soon got over it. I sure as hell wasn't going to keep chasing her & begging to have a relationship.

On the 9th April 2006, it aaaaall kicked off.  Friends of ours were moving to France, & had a going away party - the Mr & I went along, it was all lovely, until my mother showed up.  Pissed out of her head.  With scumbag boyfriend in tow.  Somehow, I kept my cool, and just avoided them, despite being all too aware she was making a complete show of herself & completely disrespecting me - the only thing I ever asked, was that she didn't put me in the same room as the loser who had trashed my family.

After the party, we left, quickly, and got home. I was fuming.  Then she phoned me, still drunk, looking for a row. And oh did she get one. We screamed & shouted at eachother for over an hour. She bad mouthed my dad, my other half and me. The last straw was when she told me it was my fault she'd been 'stuck with him (my dad) so long anyway' (She was 8 months pregnant with me when they got married).  I told her that was she was a cold hearted bitch & I had nothing more to say to her until she was sober & ready to apologise, and hung up.

I have never spoken to or seen her since.  Despite living in the same small town.

My Dad received his copy of their decree absolute in August 2007.  I heard from a friend that she re-married TEN days later.

The way I see it, she made her choice. She got her shiney new 'happy' life, and I wasn't part of it.  It took me a long time to get over it, but I did, and I'll never go back.

I didn't get in touch with her when I fell pregnant, or when I gave birth. I have no doubt she knows about the little dude (My sister is still in contact with her), but she has never contacted me, and has never met him, and as far as I'm concerned, she never will.  She has caused so much pain to the people I love, and left me feeling betrayed, hurt and confused.  There's NO way I'm risking her causing my little boy any heartache.  No way.

He has three grandparents who absolutely dote on him.  He's not missing out on anything.  The only person who is, is her.

And that's why you'll never hear me mention my mother.

(Sorry, that got way longer than it was supposed to!!)



  1. That really got to me....probably because it resounds similarities to my life. Except it's my husband that has gone.
    I know it doesn't help but I'm sure she will live to regret it and she will end up lonely.
    My mantra is "What goes around comes around..."

  2. Thats such a brave and honest post and I think you're absolutely right to protect your son from any hurt. Your a Mum now and you realise the hurt and damage that can be done. I hope you continue to move on with your life and be proud of your little man x

  3. Ahh hun sorry you have a crappy relationship with your mother. Its hard to write I post like this, so well done for writting it, its very brave of you x

  4. Oh my what an honost post. As a mother I can not understand how any other woman could do this at all. It beggers belief.

    You so have the right attitude on this

  5. Congratulations on a very heart felt piece - I bet it felt good to write it down and get it all out! Sounds like you have plenty of love all around you without a sefish mother in tow.

  6. This post has really hit home for me, i'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your mum but your right it's HER loss. I have a hate hate relationship with my dad and if he wasn't still married to my mum i'd be happy if i never had to see him again. It's difficult when you realise your parents are far from perfect and there has never been a truer saying than "you can't choose your family" x

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